After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
