u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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