I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
