he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
