Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We had sex on a dog bed..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
