I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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