well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize