We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize