you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
