i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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