i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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