My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
