Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
