He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
