my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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