He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
