How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my poor anus
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
