I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize