There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
