When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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