paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
