Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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