i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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