If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
