I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
