Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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