Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
