its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
