Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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