Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
