Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
