I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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