Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
