it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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