The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
