Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Oh god it's open bar.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
