I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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