She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
