his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize