I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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