see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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