i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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