If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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