four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
