we're making bets on your personal life
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
