I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
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