got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
