You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize