You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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