Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
