I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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