Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize