When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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