Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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