The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
